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Columns

  • What the 1134?

    This is going to make me sound super old, but I remember as a young child being fascinated when my cousin showed me his new calculator.

    “It doesn’t even need batteries,” he said. “It is solar-powered.”

    “The sun makes your calculator work? What kind of crazy, newfangled magic is that?” I asked.

  • Nastiness...now in 3D!

    I write a lot about food here, particular strange and disgusting-sounding foods that I’m never going to eat. None of them, though, reach the level of nastiness as something I read about last week. Not pea milk, not chocolate bone broth, not caramel-coated termite, not cricket flour, not even Cajun squirrel-flavored potato chips. People are now eating…plants!

  • When 68 was an "F"

    I hate to be one of those guys who sneers at younger generations, opines about the way things used to be and how hard we had things when compared to present day…but here I am, sneering at younger generations, opining about the way things used to be and how hard we had it compared to present day.

  • Customer service is still dead

    I work for a newspaper. Our job is to produce and sell newspapers, so if you walked in our office wanting to buy a newspaper and I had none to sell you, I would feel pretty embarrassed. That would mean I’m doing something terribly wrong. What else am I here for? Likewise, if you are a communications/phone company and you stink at communications and don’t have an easily accessible phone number, you are doing something wrong. Maybe everything wrong.

  • Adventures in dining

    Even a chef has to start somewhere, we realize. Can you imagine the great Gordon Ramsay as a sous chef or even a dishwasher? Picture the scene: the young upstart sous chef has finally been granted the right by the head chef to prepare a dish. Ramsay carefully fillets the fish, then cooks it, but gets distracted by chopping up the herbs and not keeping his eye on the fish, which is slowly turning into a curled up, burned piece of leather in the pan.

  • Maybe the monkey took your baby

    Without fail, every time I see a story about a friendly monkey kidnapping a toddler, I always immediately click and start reading. Granted, it has only happened once (that being a few minutes ago) but I did click on the story and read it, so it is totally truthful to say I always do it.

  • Bugging your sweetheart (again)

    Note: When I wrote this column last year, this was a curiosity, not a trend. To update this I add the following bits of info:

     

  • Mess with the bull...

    You might think there is nothing more boring on Earth than Sunday’s football game and you would be very, very wrong.

  • The Ranger harness

    I saw a vintage ad for a child’s car seat from the 1960s recently, and it reminded me of the apparatus that my parents strapped my brother and I in when we traveled in the family cars, the old Rambler and the Dodge station wagon.

    This car seat was an uncomfortable cushion covered in vinyl that had attached to it a five-point harness that went over the shoulders, across the chest and between the legs of the child who was sitting in it.

  • Check please

    You ever get unnaturally freaked out by something that is relatively minor? You just take something that is relatively insignificant and magnify it to the point that you are certain the entire world is conspiring against you? No? Just me?