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Columns

  • My mother is a klepto?

    Some of you readers may remember that I am no stranger to lawlessness (see my column entitled “I am a Criminal and Fugitive from a Soda Fountain” if you don’t believe this) but my minor infractions pale in comparison to the criminal career of my mother.

  • Leave my turkey alone!

    I’m fascinated by food. It’s one of the few things every person on the planet has in common. Though people in different countries (or even different areas of the same country) eat different things, we all have to have food to live and survive and most of us commune and communicate around the dinner table. So, whenever I see some story about “hot, new food trends” I usually read them with interest…then get exasperated and make fun of them in this space fairly regularly.

  • Siri strikes back

    Whoever said getting there is half the fun has never tried to find Springfield, South Carolina.

    On Friday, I decided to head down for the Lewisville vs. Wagener-Salley football game. Long road trips, to me, offer an excellent opportunity to plot out a course for a delicious barbecue meal. As I’ve said here many times before, I consider smoked pig meat to be the finest food available to mortal man and if you disagree I don’t think you’re evil, I just think you are terribly misguided. Anyway, I did a Google search for

  • The wrong Chester

    When my office phone rings, there’s never any telling who or what is waiting for me on the other end of the line. It could be a complaint of some kind, someone thanking us for something, someone who wants to sell their three-legged goat (in which case they should be talking to Karen in classifieds, not me) or someone with a news tip. When it is someone with a potential news story, they can (and have) literally run the gamut public corruption to “my nana grows the biggest cabbages you’ve ever seen.” The call I got Monday falls somewhere in-between those two.

  • Becky's fat fin

    I think most people like dolphins. They always seem to be smiling, they have a reputation of helping sailors lost at sea, they are known to help fishermen with their catches, they can be taught to do tricks and they generally seem like good-natured creatures. However, they have a dark, unsettling side most people don’t know about and I’m going to blow the lid off this long-held secret…dolphins are bad to gossip.

  • Making wise meat choices

    “I’m not taking any sort of responsibility for you trying ‘Texas Style BBQ’ in Camden (bleepity bleeping) South Carolina,” my friend Jed said, via text.

    On Friday, I was facing a very long road trip to watch Lewisville play at Lamar, which is located way, way, way down in Darlington somewhere. Usually, when I have a road trip of that length, I try to do a little advance research and plot a course to eat barbecue.

  • The end of the Great ID Quest

    …And everyone lived happily ever after

    …And they never did, to this day.

    …Scrooge was better than his word; he became a better master, a better friend and a better man than the Good Old City ever knew.

     

    These are the ways fantasy stories are supposed to end and stories about quests are supposed to end. I present you with another one: And finally, the taxes were reduced.

  • A hot mug of crazy

    Did you know that this light, silly, weekly column is written by a scary, sadistic, psychopath? I read it on the Internet so it must be true.

  • Eating IKEA

    Thanks, loyal readers for putting up with my IKEA rant/riff a few weeks ago. The IKEA fun continues this week as I ate some IKEA food (yes, Virginia there is such a thing) and “helped” the wife assemble (dis-assemble?) the Brusalia wardrobe we bought on our first visit there.

    First, to the food. We will leave the adventures in furniture building for another time.

  • A bologna sandwich?

    I tricked my wife. She’s a very bright, perceptive woman, so it wasn’t easy to do, but I tricked her.